The rumors were true. The Goblin Council of Elders has greenlit mass production of the 1200mm Party Cannon, the goblin-dwarf artillery piece that replaces conventional shells with a festive barrage of confetti, candy and explosive surprises.
GNN Defense Correspondent Grungle Ironhide was granted access to a test firing.
"A sight to behold," said Ironhide, with confetti still clinging to his eyebrows. "The ground shook, the sky turned into a kaleidoscope, and the air filled with the joyous screams of goblins and the terrified wails of the targets."
The cannon is being installed on every goblin naval vessel, from battleships to comically small dinghies. Experts have questioned mounting a 1200mm gun on a rowboat. Goblin commanders cite the element of surprise, and the fact that the rowboat only has to fire once.
"Our enemies will never know what hit them," cackled Admiral Gnarlfleet, who runs the program. "They'll be too busy dodging candy canes and exploding cupcakes to mount a defense. It's the perfect weapon for the goblin way of war: unpredictable, chaotic and fun."
International reactions are mixed. Some nations worry about collateral damage. Others are simply baffled.
GNN will track the cannon's impact on the battlefield and on the confectionery industry. Stock up on party hats.
