My editor just slid a poster across my desk with a big GOBLIN CONFIDENTIAL stamp on it and told me to write an urgent report on the Great Goblin Hierarchy. I have been staring at this picture of six orange plastic guys for twenty minutes, and I honestly have no idea what is going on.
Image credit: GoblinLife Vault
At the very top is the biggest mannequin, which is labeled the Council of Elders, the Shadow Government, and The Shadow Cabal. I don't know why one group needs three different spooky names, or why there is a radiation symbol next to their armpit. Even weirder, if you look closely at the top of the picture, the Shadow Cabal is also attached to strings going up into the ceiling. Who is pulling the Shadow Cabal's strings? A seventh, even bigger orange guy? The poster just cuts off, and nobody here will tell me.
According to the arrows, the Elders are controlling the Goblin Aristocracy, who are using little wooden crosses to control The Claude Code. I thought Claude Code was the computer program our tech guy uses to build the website, so I don't understand how rich goblins are operating it with string, or why it has knees.
This next part is where my head really starts to hurt. The chart says The Claude Code is pulling the strings of GNN (Goblin News Network), which it calls "The Media Machine." Wait a second. I work for GNN. Does that mean a computer program is moving my arms right now? I just looked behind my desk for strings and only found an old sandwich wrapper, so I think the chart might be lying.
Below us, GNN is supposedly controlling the Working Class Goblins. I don't see how we are puppeteering the working class when half of them can't read and only use our articles to line their boots. And somehow, those working-class guys are using their own strings to control the Depth-Grovelers at the very bottom. Why would a regular goblin working a twelve-hour shift in the mines spend his free time operating a tiny two-inch goblin in the dirt? What is that tiny guy at the bottom even doing? It looks like he is holding strings too, which makes no sense unless he is controlling a bug.
Anyway, the poster says you need to wake up and know the truth. Visit GoblinLife.org to learn more, and if you figure out what any of this actually means, please leave a comment at the bottom of the page because my boss already went home.
