Undeterred by Dennis Rodman's warnings about Rogue Baller Spirits, the Goblin Institute of Questionable Science (IQS) has unveiled its first prototype weaponized basketball: the Mini-Doom Ball, built to women's college regulation size, a full inch smaller around than an NBA ball.
The IQS team, led by Dr. Gnarfsplat, believes that by scaling the ball down it can safely infuse it with chaotic energy without triggering a basketball apocalypse.
"It's simple physics," Dr. Gnarfsplat told a bewildered GNN reporter, gesturing with a wrench and a half-eaten donut. "Smaller ball, less surface area, less energy to attract those pesky spirits. It's foolproof!"
Rodman, now an unlikely advisor to the Goblin Council of Elders, was skeptical. "Size ain't nothin' but a number, doc," he said. "It's like a neutron star, man. Smaller, denser, still packs a wallop."
The scientists, unfamiliar with astrophysics, dismissed his concerns as "paranoid ramblings" and injected the ball with a volatile mix of pixie dust, troll sweat and pure, unadulterated chaos energy.
Initial tests have been mixed. The ball bounces erratically, changes color and makes noises. In one incident it levitated and spun into a miniature vortex that swallowed several lab rats, who were later found unharmed but strangely addicted to cheese.
The Council has given the IQS its full support, unlimited funding and all the fermented mushrooms the team can eat. Field testing begins next week, on an island the IQS describes as "remote, uninhabited and, for now, there."
