The Goblin Council of Elders has announced a new initiative aimed at achieving "ultimate goblin satisfaction." Citing a survey that found widespread discontent among the goblin populace, the Council has turned to Cambodia, seeking to import vast quantities of opium from the country's poppy fields.
"We've tried everything," said Elder Gnarltooth, his eyes bloodshot and twitching. "Mushroom ale, fermented slime, even Nicaraguan Nose Nachos. Nothing satisfies our cravings. We need something stronger. Something more euphoric."
The decision has outraged goblin health officials.
"This is a reckless and irresponsible move," said Dr. Gloopglop, head of the Goblin Health Department. "Opium is a highly addictive substance that can lead to a host of physical and mental health problems. We are playing with fire here. The Council is literally playing with fire. Somebody take the matches off Elder Gurglax."
The Council remains determined. A delegation of goblin diplomats has been dispatched to Cambodia to negotiate a trade deal with the region's opium warlords, armed with a briefcase of Nose Nachos and a phrasebook that only covers ordering noodles.
"We are confident this is the right decision for our people," Elder Gnarltooth said, a sly grin spreading across his face. "Satisfaction is a basic goblin right. Like shiny things. And yelling."
The survey that started all this had one question ("Are you satisfied?") and one answer option ("No").
