Responding to a wave of goblin DUI arrests since the Goblin Ale ad campaign, the Goblin Council of Elders has dismissed concerns about the lack of transportation and suggested goblins learn to ride snails or hitch rides on the backs of trolls.
"Look, we understand the inconvenience," Elder Gnarltooth grumbled, "but we can't have goblins driving go-karts under the influence. It's a danger to themselves and others, and to Turbo Tuesdays."
"Snails are perfectly adequate for short distances," added Elder Fungella. "For longer journeys, goblins can hitch a ride on a friendly troll. It's a win-win: the goblins get a free ride, and the trolls get a tasty snack if they misbehave."
Commuters are outraged, arguing that snails are too slow and trolls too unreliable.
"Snails? Seriously?" scoffed Grungle Gristle, a commuter with multiple DUI offenses. "I'd be late for work every day! And have you seen troll hygiene? I'd rather risk a DUI than catch a fungal infection from a troll's back."
The Council's response has fueled calls for a public transportation system or a goblin-friendly ride-sharing app. The elders are unmoved.
"It's time for goblins to embrace our traditional modes of transportation," said Elder Gnarltooth. "Snails and trolls have served us well for centuries. Why fix what ain't broken?"
Asked how the elders themselves get home from the Council chambers, he named a luxury vehicle with a "This is not the vehicle you're looking for" note in the windshield.
