TWO BROTHERS — At 03:32 this morning, associate World of Warships goblin [USNA] VonSuccHerOff clocked into a Domination match aboard the Tier VIII German cruiser Mainz and delivered what naval historians are calling the single greatest solo cruiser stand of the modern era—only to have his masterwork vandalized by eight teammates whose collective brain activity failed to register on hydroacoustic search.
Image credit: GoblinLife Vault
By the time [TF] Couch986’s Kii finally gunned him down after 16 minutes and 39 seconds of relentless combat, VonSuccHerOff had amassed a staggering 249,146 damage and 2,464 Base XP on a Defeat.
The Monumental Carry: By the Numbers
To understand the sheer mathematical violence required to force the matchmaker to hand out 2,464 Base XP to a losing ship, consider the telemetry recovered from the wreckage:
- Single-Handed War Effort:
VonSuccHerOffpersonally inflicted 249,146 Actual Damage out of his entire nine-ship team's 519,477 total—meaning one goblin in a Tier VIII light cruiser generated 47.96% of the green team's total offense. - A Losing Score That Beat the Winners: His 2,464 Base XP on a loss outscored seven of the nine players on the winning team even after their +50% victory multiplier was applied. Had a single allied battleship remembered which end of the boat points toward the enemy,
VonSuccHerOff’s score would have adjusted to an astronomical 3,696 Base XP. - Mechanical Abuse of the Left Mouse Button: Travelling 62.30 km across Two Brothers, he landed 538 main battery hits, sparked 11 fires, caused 2 floodings, sank 4 enemy warships, assisted in 2 destructions, flipped 1 capture point, and swatted 49 aircraft out of the sky (48 via AA, 1 via fighter) while tanking 1,113,268 potential damage.
- The Mysterious "E" Badge: Alongside High Caliber, Confederate, and AA Defense Expert medals, Wargaming awarded
VonSuccHerOffthe rare blue "E" Combat Efficiency badge—along with 1,292,134 credits, 6,262 XP, and 3,257 Free XP. While officially signifying "Expert" class mastery (awarded for outscoring 99% of all recent peak Base XP performances in the Mainz), GNN cryptographers believe that in the context of a 6,860 PR Super Unicum defeat, the "E" actually stands for "Emergency Hernia Surgery" or "Everyone Else Was Eating Glue".
The Crime Scene: An Autopsy of the Allied Roster
Image credit: GoblinLife Vault
While VonSuccHerOff was posting a 6,860 Personal Rating (Super Unicum) and out-trading the enemy fleet (which finished with less total team damage at 518,229), his eight compatriots were busy conducting an unsanctioned experiment in rapid artificial reef creation:
| Allied Player | Ship (Captain Skills) | Time Lived | Actual Damage | PR | Base XP | GNN Forensic Verdict |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
[USNA] VonSuccHerOff | Mainz (19pt / 7 skills) | 16:39 | 249,146 | 6,860 | 2,464 | Hostage / Sole Combatant |
[IRON2] ZaaZaaPaa800 | Massachusetts (21pt / 8 skills) | 13:04 | 57,824 | 992 | 947 | Out-damaged by a light cruiser by 191,322 HP. |
[ANCHR] bigmoe_2016 | Kaga (15pt / 6 skills) | 14:37 | 57,161 | 939 | 793 | Unironically wearing the [ANCHR] clan tag. |
[VAF] TetchyMoon4 | Salmon (18pt / 8 skills) | 4:26 | 53,780 | 2,400 | 1,049 | Speedran back to port in under four and a half minutes. |
[ROCS] ASaint_9 | Richelieu (10pt / 4 skills) | 4:57 | 30,050 | 54 | 662 | Evaporated in 4:57 with a 54 PR; landed 16 shells total. |
BeetFarmer29 | Constellation (10pt / 4 skills) | 10:58 | 29,963 | 153 | 833 | Stuck to agriculture; farmed zero cruisers. |
[NWAG] Drakken505 | Hipper (10pt / 5 skills) | 8:03 | 25,171 | 246 | 798 | Demonstrated why Mainz is the only real Hipper hull. |
[Z-E-N] Frackingup | Cleveland (21pt / 10 skills) | 5:14 | 8,784 | 0 | 459 | Most honest username on NA; 0 PR with a 21-point captain. |
Megatronous | Alliance (13pt / 6 skills) | 10:14 | 7,598 | 13 | 1,033 | Spent 10 minutes underwater; recorded 0 hits. |
Highlights from the Hall of Shame
1. Nominal Determinism Award ([Z-E-N] Frackingup): Bringing a maxed-out 21-point commander crammed with 10 skills into a Tier VIII match only to land 12 shells for 8,784 damage, die in 5 minutes and 14 seconds, and post a mathematically pristine 0 PR is performance art of the highest order.
2. The Submarine Cardio Program (Megatronous): Despite surviving for 10 minutes and 14 seconds and somehow scamming 1,033 Base XP for third place on the team via 38,673 spotting damage, the allied Alliance finished the match with 0 hits, 7,598 damage, and a 13 PR—roughly the combat effectiveness of a decorative buoy.
3. The Sub-5-Minute Suicide Pact (TetchyMoon4 & ASaint_9): Before VonSuccHerOff had even finished warming up his barrels, his Salmon (4:26 time lived) and Richelieu (4:57 time lived, 54 PR) had already returned to port to queue up and terrorize another lobby.
Geneva Convention observers have reportedly opened a formal inquiry into whether forcing a single Mainz to generate nearly double the Base XP of his nearest teammate on a defeat constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. [USNA] VonSuccHerOff remains in stable condition at the Goblin Naval Infirmary, where doctors are attempting to surgically remove eight anchors from his lower lumbar region.
