Please put down whatever you're holding. Yes, that too.
At 3:47 this morning, technicians at the Institute for Retained Potential announced they had stabilized a portal into Universe 7-C, a reality identical to ours in every respect but one: you, specifically, never did it.
Not once. Not alone, not with company. Not "just to fall asleep." Not on your birthday.
The Institute traced the split to a single Tuesday afternoon that our legal team has asked us not to describe further. In our universe, you made a choice. In 7-C, you went for a walk instead.
The walk is now a national holiday.
GNN was granted exclusive access to the portal. We have pointed it at you. Please look.
Meet the Other You
Image credit: GoblinLife Vault
That figure on the balcony, backlit by three suns that were not there before you arrived, is you. Same face. Better posture. Your jawline has been declared a protected landmark.
The Other You is worth roughly $64 trillion, give or take the GDP of Portugal, depending on whether the Other You is currently thinking about money. This is rare.
The Other You invented the trillion as a working unit after finding the billion "spiritually cramped."
The Other You's IQ was last measured at 900 before the test caught fire. Every standardized exam in 7-C now ends with the same question: What would the Other You have answered here? No student has ever gotten it right, including the Other You, who wrote a better question instead.
The Other You sleeps four hours a night, by choice, as a courtesy to the dreams of others. Mosquitoes apologize before landing. Your hairline, in this universe, is advancing.
"I do not judge you," the Other You said through the portal, with eyes the color of compound interest. "I simply do not understand you."
A World Conquered Without a Single Shot
The Other You never raised an army. The Other You simply walked into rooms, and the rooms agreed. By 2021, every head of state on Earth-7C had resigned after making eye contact with the Other You at a conference, most of them mid-sentence. Elections are still held for tradition. Every candidate concedes during the first debate, usually after the Other You enters the hall, stands near a pillar, and does nothing.
The society that followed is fully post-scarcity. Hunger was abolished during a twenty-minute walk. Housing is free, roomy, and somehow always has good light. Traffic was solved by asking the cars nicely. The global currency is the Discipline Point, which nobody needs, because everything is already paid for by the Other You's restraint.
The national anthem is a single sustained note: the Other You exhaling after a cold plunge. It is 41 minutes long. Crowds weep at the halfway mark. Places of worship exist, but the Other You finds them "a bit much" and attends only as a courtesy. The candles brighten when the Other You walks in.
The Council of Elders, in that universe, reports to the Other You. In ours, the Council has issued a one-line statement: "The Council remembers."
Meanwhile, Here
In this universe, you are reading a satirical news site on a phone with a cracked corner. You have eleven tabs open. One of them is a recipe you will not make. The Institute stresses that you should not feel bad.
"Most people we point the portal at just go quiet for a while," said lead technician Dr. Halvard Sterning, who confirmed he has also seen his own Other Self and "would prefer not to discuss it."
Viewers have reported side effects, including:
- A sudden urge to buy a cold plunge tub
- A $90 jar of mushroom powder already in the cart
- Posting "Day 1" somewhere, then deleting it
- Brief, intense eye contact with a houseplant
The Institute now offers a 12-week Convergence Program for $1,499, which promises to "close the gap" between you and the Other You. It is fully refundable if you reach 900 IQ, which you will be unable to verify, because the test will catch fire.
The portal sealed at 4:02 a.m., when a technician sneezed. Witnesses say that in its final seconds, the Other You raised one hand in farewell. The hand was spotless. It did not wave. It simply forgave you, and was gone.
