In the age of ultra-high-definition television, where every blade of grass and every pore on an actor's face comes through in excruciating detail, a new condition is sweeping the nation: ADHDTVD, or Attention Deficit High-Definition Television Disorder.
Sufferers cannot focus on a single program for more than five minutes. "My brain is a pinball machine," said Chad, 35, a marketing executive. "One minute I'm watching penguins, the next it's a cooking show flambéing bananas, and then I'm buying a nose hair trimmer."
Scientists believe hyper-realistic images overload the brain's sensory processing. "It's an all-you-can-eat candy buffet for a sugar-addicted child," said Dr. Ima Neuro, the researcher who first identified the disorder. "The brain can't handle the volume, so it short-circuits."
Symptoms include:
- Channel surfing for hours without watching anything
- Forgetting the plot of a show you just finished
- Fidgeting and restlessness in front of the TV
- An overwhelming urge to buy every product advertised
There is no known cure. Experts recommend less HD television and more activities that promote focus, such as meditation, yoga or staring at a wall, which is now available in 8K.
If you'll excuse us, there was just a commercial for a self-cleaning litter box, and we absolutely must have it.
