The Goblin Bureau of Vital Statistics has released its annual report, and the leading cause of death among goblins is, once again, dying.
Despite our legendary resilience, goblins keep succumbing to the inevitable march of time and the countless hazards of daily life: falling off cliffs, being eaten by dragons, choking on fermented mushrooms and stabbing ourselves in the foot with a rusty dagger.
"This is a wake-up call," said Grungle Gristle, GNN's Chief Analyst. "We can no longer ignore the Grim Reaper's insatiable appetite for goblin souls. It's time to fight back against the forces of mortality."
GNN consulted leading experts, and a few questionable shamans, for these life-saving tips:
- Watch your step. Avoid cliffs, potholes and other treacherous terrain. Invest in sturdy footwear.
- Beware of dragons. Don't taunt them, poke them with sticks or steal their treasure. If you see a dragon, run.
- Chew carefully. Take small bites, especially of fermented mushrooms. Don't talk with your mouth full.
- Handle weapons with caution. Never point a sharp object at yourself. This is the one most goblins skip.
- Wear safety gear. Helmets, knee pads and bubble wrap. Safety is stylish.
- Seek medical attention, if you can find a competent shaman. Symptoms to watch for include shortness of breath, spontaneous combustion and turning into a toad.
Follow these tips and you can significantly delay the inevitable. The Bureau projects that dying will remain the number one killer for the foreseeable future, with "being a goblin" a close second.
