By Gnarfúnkel the Wise, Ph.D. (Goblin Studies), M.A. (Fermented Mushroom Brewing), B.A. (Advanced Gobbledygook). Recipient of the Order of the Moldy Mushroom, the Gnarly Gnome Nibbler Award and the Golden Gnarf Award for Outstanding Achievement in Goblin Grumpiness.
Greetings, fellow goblins, and those who mistakenly believe we are the same thing as hobgoblins. I am here to correct a grievous error that has plagued our society for far too long.
Goblins and hobgoblins are not the same thing. We are two distinct species with our own cultures, customs and cuisines, and yet I am accosted weekly by people who treat us as interchangeable cogs in the wheel of mythical creatures. A short guide:
- Appearance. Goblins are short and stout, with greenish skin, pointed ears and mismatched clothing. Hobgoblins are taller, more muscular and partial to a military look. Think of the difference between a ragamuffin street urchin and a disciplined soldier.
- Temperament. Goblins are mischievous, fond of chaos and poor at decisions. Hobgoblins have their own mischief but tend to be organized, disciplined and goal-driven, the goal usually being conquest.
- Diet. Goblins eat anything, from fermented mushrooms to roasted rats. Hobgoblins are picky: raw meat, stale bread and the occasional captured gnome.
- Social structure. Goblin society is a chaotic jumble of loose clans with quirky customs. Hobgoblin society is a strict hierarchy with a code of conduct and a chain of command.
- Hobbies. Goblins enjoy treasure hunting, pranks, mud wrestling and brewing. Hobgoblins prefer drilling, weapon maintenance and plotting the downfall of their enemies.
To confuse the two is an insult to our intelligence and a disregard for our heritage. So the next time you meet a goblin, do not call them a hobgoblin. If you do, be ready for a thousand angry goblins and one very grumpy Gnarfúnkel the Wise.
