Brought to you by the benevolent, all-seeing Goblin Council of Elders. Remember: If you aren't hoarding illegal cardboard, you have nothing to hide!
Image credit: GoblinLife Vault
UNDERCITY SECTOR 4 — Doubters, Luddites, and privacy-whiners have spent months screeching that the newly installed Flock Safety License Plate & Face-Snatcher Cameras are an "orwellian nightmare" and "a blatant attempt by the Council of Elders to tax our shiny trash." Today, those ungrateful troglodytes are eating their own boots!
At approximately 3:14 AM last night, the glorious, solar-powered, 4K night-vision lenses mounted near the Great Sump Dumpster captured indisputable, earth-shattering footage of the most notorious syndicate in surface-dweller history—alive, well, and conducting high-treason contraband trades right on our turf!
Thanks to the immaculate, crystal-clear optical zoom funded by your mandatory Moss-Tax, GNN analysts confirmed the identities of three shadowy figures huddled beneath a flickering streetlamp in oversized beige trenchcoats and comically ineffective fedoras: Michael Jackson, Jeffrey Epstein, and Adolf Hitler.
While surface media sheep still believe the official cover stories regarding these three, the Flock camera's proprietary Goblin-Vision™ AI clocked them immediately—identifying Jackson by a single sequined glove protruding from his cuff, Hitler by the unmistakable silhouette of his mustache catching the infrared sensor, and Epstein by his nervous glances toward the nearest non-extradition sewer grate.
What could bring this unholy triumvirate out of hiding and into Sector 4? Not gold. Not nuclear launch codes. Something far more dangerous.
Enhanced AI magnification of the footage reveals the trio was trading double-sleeved, PSA-graded banned Magic: The Gathering cards.
Eyewitness algorithms report the following horrifying transaction:
- Hitler was seen aggressively slamming a near-mint Chaos Orb and a playset of Contract from Below onto an overturned milk crate, visibly furious that ante cards are no longer tournament-legal.
- Epstein slid a foil Oko, Thief of Crowns and two copies of Nadu, Winged Wisdom across the damp cardboard, reportedly whispering that he "knew a guy on a private island who still runs a Vintage format with no banlist."
- Jackson moonwalked half a step back to inspect the edges with a jeweler's loupe before producing a first-edition Shahrazad and a Black Lotus from inside his trenchcoat lining, allegedy hee-heeing softly as the deal was finalized.
Before the Council's Rapid-Response Shin-Biter Squad could descend on the alley to confiscate the contraband for the Elders' personal Commander decks, Jackson threw down a smoke bomb, and all three vanished into a suspiciously unmarked subterranean manhole.
High Elder Grishnak issued an emergency proclamation this morning praising the surveillance grid:
"Let this be a lesson to every citizen who complained about the red blinking lights outside their burrow! Without our beloved Flock cameras, dangerous surface-ghouls would be flooding our streets with zero-mana artifacts and forcing us all into sub-games of Magic that take four hours to resolve! We will be installing 400 more cameras inside your kitchens by Tuesday. For your safety."
Citizens are advised to report any sightings of sequined apparel, tiny mustaches, or anyone attempting to cast Time Walk in a casual pod directly to their nearest Flock pole.
Stay low, keep hoarding, and praise the Lens!
