A study by the Goblin Institute of Dubious Research (GIDoR) has found a startling correlation between cycling and two alarming conditions: massively oversized thighs and an inflated sense of self-importance.
The study, conducted on 10 goblins (5 cyclists and 5 non-cyclists), found that the cyclists had significantly larger thigh muscles and a much higher opinion of their own attractiveness and athletic prowess.
"The results were staggering," said Dr. Gloopnoodle, lead researcher at GIDoR. "The cyclists' thighs were so massive they could barely fit through our laboratory doors. And their egos? Even bigger. Three of them asked to see the results before we had run the study."
Cyclists also spent an inordinate amount of time gazing at their reflections in shop windows, admiring their bulging quads and sleek cycling attire.
"It's a classic case of narcissism," said Dr. Gloopnoodle. "They think they're better than everyone else just because they can pedal faster than a snail."
The Goblin Council of Elders is considering a ban on cycling.
"Cycling is a threat to our goblin values of humility, modesty and a healthy respect for one's own shortcomings," said Elder Gnarltooth, who under laissez-faire chaos is not sure he is allowed to ban anything. "We must protect our citizens from the scourge of oversized thighs and inflated egos."
"This is discrimination!" said Grungle Gearhead, the Turbo Tuesday no-show turned engineer turned passionate cyclist, who calls himself "Quadzilla." "Cycling is healthy and enjoyable. Just because we have awesome thighs doesn't mean we're narcissists. Look at them. Look at my thighs. Are you looking?"
