This is not a drill. Reports are flooding in from the borders of a massive troll invasion. The smelly brutes are rampaging through goblin lands, leaving a trail of destruction and stolen shiny baubles behind them.
The Goblin Council of Elders has issued an emergency call to arms. Every able-bodied goblin is to grab a weapon and fight for our survival, our honor and our right to hoard shiny things.
What to do
- Grab your gear. Dust off your rusty dagger, sharpen your crude spear and stock up on fermented mushroom juice, which is good for courage and questionable decision-making.
- Find your squad. Form a raiding party. There's strength in numbers, and a higher chance of someone else getting eaten first.
- Pick your ground. The trolls are coming from every direction. Avoid open fields. Ambush them in narrow canyons and dense forests.
- Fight dirty. Use everything: poisoned arrows, tripwires, strategically placed banana peels.
- Celebrate victory or mourn your losses. If we win, we feast on troll and claim their treasure. If we lose, at least we went down fighting, and hopefully someone remembers to collect our belongings.
Show those overgrown oafs what we're made of. Armor is recommended. GNN's newsroom will be covering the war from a safe distance, which this morning we measured at "the other side of the island."
