GNN researchers have traced the family tree of Smitty Werbenjägermanjensen, the legendary goblin who succeeds at everything, in search of the elusive "winning gene" behind his achievements. He was number one.
The project is led by goblin geneticist Dr. Gloopnoodle, whose team spent months poring over ancient scrolls, deciphering cave paintings and extracting DNA from fossilized goblin remains. They found a tapestry of heroism, cunning and a surprising amount of inbreeding.
"Smitty's ancestors were a colorful bunch," said Dr. Gloopnoodle. "Warlords, shamans, master chefs and a few notorious con artists. A who's who of goblin greatness."
Key ancestors include:
- Grungle the Great, the legendary forefather revered for his intellect, his leadership and his impressive beard growth. The pantheon has confirmed the connection, for a fee.
- Griselda the Ghastly, a sorceress rumored to have traded with a demon for eternal youth and an endless supply of fermented spider eggs.
- Glurp the Gluttonous, a chef who could finish an entire roasted boar in one sitting and still have room for dessert. No relation to the Glurp in the Council gallery, who has asked us to say so.
The winning gene, Dr. Gloopnoodle believes, is not one gene but a symphony of traits: intelligence, charisma, resilience and an unyielding desire for fermented delicacies.
"This proves what we've always known: goblins are the superior species," declared Elder Gnarltooth. "Best genes, best food, best fashion sense. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a portrait of Smitty to hang."
GNN encourages all goblins to embrace their genetic heritage. Results from a home version of the test, the Werbenjägermanjensen Kit, show that 98% of goblins are related to Smitty, and 100% of them were number two.
