TITUSVILLE, FL — The Muscle Max exoskeleton craze has produced a new kind of emergency: the pimp slap. Newly superhuman residents are delivering open-handed blows with the force of a car door, and local hospitals cannot keep up with the facial trauma, whiplash and concussions.
"We've never seen anything like it," said Dr. Grace Bonesetter, head of emergency medicine at Titusville General. "Everyone with a Muscle Max is trying to assert dominance with these ridiculous slaps."
Injuries range from bruising and swelling to stitches, pain medication and psychiatric evaluation. "Some patients are afraid to leave their homes," Dr. Bonesetter said. "Others are afraid to leave their homes because they slapped someone."
Law enforcement is overwhelmed too. "We're seeing everything from bar fights to HOA meetings escalate into full-blown slap-fests," said Sheriff Buford T. Justice. "It's the Wild West, with cyborg cowboys."
State Senator Prudence Pennypincher has proposed mandatory training and licensing for exoskeleton owners. "People need to understand the dangers before they start slapping each other silly," she said.
Hospitals are opening dedicated pimp-slap clinics and training staff in specialized cheek reconstruction. "The best treatment," Dr. Bonesetter said, "would be for people to stop slapping each other." Nobody has stopped.
