Mudwick Isle's leading acousticians have made a groundbreaking discovery: goblin complaints about loud music aren't about the volume at all. A series of studies, conducted with a meticulously curated playlist of the most obnoxious tunes imaginable, found that annoyance, not decibels, triggers goblin ire.
The research, published in the prestigious (and highly flammable) Journal of Goblin Auditory Aggression, found that even the faintest whisper of an annoying song can set off the "Jam or Scram" reflex: involuntary ear twitches, teeth gnashing and a sudden urge to hurl objects, preferably pointy or explosive. Researchers describe it as a primal defense against auditory torture.
"It's not about how loud the music is," said Dr. Gnarfson, lead researcher and self-proclaimed Master of Sonic Dissonance. "It's about how much it grates on our delicate goblin sensibilities. We can tolerate the roar of a dragon or the shriek of a banshee, but a ukulele playing a polka rendition of 'Baby Shark' sends us into a homicidal rage."
The study ranked the top offenders:
- Polka: the accordion's incessant wheezing and the off-beat rhythm are a recipe for goblin fury.
- Yodeling: high-pitched warbling and sudden changes in pitch are nails on a chalkboard for goblin ears.
- Smooth jazz: the saxophone's smooth melodies and elevator-music vibe are an affront to the goblin love of chaos and dissonance.
- Children's music: repetitive lyrics, saccharine melodies and cheerful voices are enough to drive any goblin insane.
- Anything by Justin Bieber: enough said.
The researchers hope the findings will bring a more harmonious coexistence between goblins and their musically inclined neighbors, or at least fewer noise complaints filed with the Goblin Council.
Until then, they advise goblins to avoid any music that triggers the reflex and to embrace the sweet sounds of silence, or the soothing growl of a hungry ogre.
