Are you a baffled bachelor goblin, bewildered by the seemingly violent advances of your potential paramour? GNN is here to help you decipher the intricate language of goblin courtship: the dance of desire, and pain.
GNN is not responsible for any injuries sustained while interpreting these signals. Love hurts, especially in the Goblin Nation.
- The groin kick. A classic of the goblin mating ritual, often mistaken for rejection. Far from it: a well-placed groin kick signals interest and a desire to test your resilience. The harder the kick, the stronger the attraction.
- Eye gouging. Seemingly aggressive, actually a playful gesture of affection. She admires your shiny eyeballs and is testing your reflexes. A successful dodge followed by a witty retort earns major brownie points, or at least fewer bruises.
- Hair pulling. Don't be alarmed if she yanks your beard. It's possessiveness: she is marking you as hers. Embrace the pain and reciprocate with a playful tug of her locks, or a gentle headbutt if you're feeling adventurous.
- Verbal abuse. A barrage of insults, curses and threats may seem like a turn-off, but it's how a goblin lady expresses deep affection. The more colorful the insults, the stronger the feelings. Respond with equal fervor and a shouting match may blossom into a whirlwind romance.
- Food fights. If she throws food at you, consider yourself lucky. It signals abundance and a desire to share her bounty. Return fire with a handful of fermented mushrooms or a well-aimed pickled eyeball. A messy food fight is the perfect prelude to a passionate embrace, and a shared bath afterwards.
Goblin courtship is not for the faint of heart. But master its nuances and you may find yourself the lucky recipient of a lifelong, or at least week-long, partnership.
Bonus tip: If a goblin lady tries to eat you, it's probably not a good sign. Run to the nearest cave.
