Attention, lovelorn goblins seeking to attract the fairer sex (or at least the fairer-skinned sex)! GNN has consulted the Goblin Council's top relationship experts, and a few shady goblin bards, to bring you this guide to wooing wenches while lurking near their favorite haunts. Now that restraining orders come with chains, technique matters.
GNN does not condone stalking or harassment. This guide is for informational purposes only and should be used responsibly (or not, we're not your mother).
- Location, location, location. Choose your lurking spot wisely. Pick well-lit areas near places female goblins frequent, such as beauty salons, jewelry stores and all-you-can-eat fermented mushroom buffets. Avoid dark alleys, abandoned mineshafts and the Council of Elders' chambers, unless you're into that sort of thing.
- Dress to impress, or at least not to repel. Ditch the dirty loincloth. A well-tailored tunic, a shiny belt buckle and polished boots work wonders, even in the shadows.
- Master subtlety. No staring, no drooling, no sudden movements. A casual glance, a coy smile and an optional discreet wave. You're trying to pique her interest, not scare her off.
- Engage in witty banter, or grunts if you must. Compliment her shiny jewelry, her exquisite taste in fermented beverages or her ability to burp the goblin national anthem. Avoid discussing your toenail clipping collection or your latest dungeon conquest.
- Offer a thoughtful gift that you didn't steal. A bouquet of wildflowers (picked from a nearby graveyard), a handcrafted trinket made from scavenged materials or a jar of your finest homemade pickled eyeballs.
- Know when to retreat. If your advances are not returned, accept defeat gracefully, or grumble under your breath as you slink back into the shadows. There are plenty of other goblins in the cave.
Follow these tips and you may find love, or at least a temporary fling, while minimizing the risk of a restraining order or a swift kick to the groin. Happy lurking.
