Top 8 Ways to Avoid a Bender Every Friday Night, According to a Goblin Who's Been There

1. Befriend a used-car salesman. Endless coffee, lukewarm pizza and conversation. No buzz survives it.
2. Invest in the Goblin Embezzlement Trust Fund. Nothing sobers you up like watching your savings vanish.
3. Attend mandatory sensitivity training. An hour on troll etiquette and pixie pronouns and you'll want a nap, not a drink.
4. Volunteer to mine an asteroid. No oxygen, constant risk of abduction. Friday plans forgotten.
5. Join a Several-Tiered Networking downline. The jargon alone kills the mood.
6. Try to decipher the Oracle's prophecies. You'll be driven to drink water.
7. Google random chemicals. Nothing ends a party like a knock at the door.
8. Lock yourself in a room with unlimited Oreos. The sugar crash will finish you before the bars open.

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