Greetings, fellow goblins! Gnarfunkel the Wise (or Dull, depending on who you ask) here, ready to dissect the most egregious logical fallacies plaguing our society. Prepare to have your minds blown, or at least mildly confused.
- The Fermented Mushroom Fallacy. Also known as the "you're too drunk to care" argument: dismissing any opposing view by claiming the speaker is under the influence of fermented mushrooms or another mind-altering substance. Example: "You're only saying that because you've been sniffing spores!"
- The Shiny Object Distraction. Diverting attention from the issue at hand with a shiny object, or any other distraction, such as a rubber chicken or a dancing pixie. Example: "Why are we discussing the economy when we could be admiring this diamond-encrusted toenail clipper?"
- The Appeal to the Oracle. Invoking the Oracle's vague prophecies to justify any action, however absurd. Example: "The Oracle foretold that we should invade the pixies, so it must be right!"
- The Grungle Gambit. Blaming Grungle, or any other convenient scapegoat, for any problem regardless of their involvement. Example: "The economy is in shambles because Grungle spent all our gold on a solid gold bathtub!"
- The Ad Hominem. Attacking the goblin instead of the argument. Example: "You're a smelly troll with bad breath! Your opinion on fermented mushroom regulation is invalid!"
Bonus fallacy: the "But It's Funny!" Defense. Justifying anything, however harmful, by claiming it was meant as a joke. Example: "Relax, it's just a prank! We didn't really mean to poison the water supply with pixie dust!"
By recognizing these fallacies we can strive for more reasoned and productive discourse. Or we can carry on arguing, bickering and hurling insults at each other, as is the goblin way. Anyone who disagrees with this column is drunk.
