From the front lines of the Squirrel Empire, GNN's war correspondents paint a grim picture. The empire is expanding, its defenses are advanced, and goblin troops are fighting an enemy that knows every goblin trick because it invented most of them.
"The squirrels are relentless," reports Grimgob Grotsnarl, embedded deep in the contested territory. "Their treetop fortresses are impenetrable and their nut-powered weaponry is unlike anything we've seen. Also, their sentries shout insults at us in Goblish, using our names. I went to school with half of them."
There are growing suspicions of pixie involvement. The goblins' longtime rivals have a history of meddling, and the empire's buildings are far tidier than goblins usually manage.
"We've seen pixie scouts flitting around the squirrel camps," whispers Grungle Grabblescab, another GNN correspondent. "Their magic could explain the squirrels' sudden technological advancement. It would also explain why they have plumbing."
General Gashgash, commander of the Goblin National Guard's DMZ forces, vows to fight to the bitter end. "We will not bow down to these nut-cracking fiends!" he roars. "Goblins have faced adversity before, and we will overcome this threat as well!"
Asked whether the nut-cracking fiends were goblins, the general said he was under Council orders to refer to them as squirrels, and that the Council would be informed of his views in writing.
