The United States Department of Defense has issued a strongly worded statement condemning the pixies' alleged role in the attack on Guy Fieri and warning of "serious consequences" if they continue to target ascended celebrity chefs.
The statement reads:
The United States government is deeply concerned by reports of pixie involvement in the recent assassination attempt on Guy Fieri, a beloved culinary figure and honorary citizen of the Goblin Nation. We condemn any acts of violence against peaceful individuals, regardless of their species or culinary preferences.
The pixies are hereby warned that further acts of aggression against ascended celebrity chefs will not be tolerated. The United States stands ready to defend its allies, both human and goblin, and will take all necessary measures to ensure the safety of Flavortown colonies worldwide.
Defense officials declined to say how many ascended celebrity chefs the United States currently has, or why it has a policy on them.
Reactions in the Goblin Nation are mixed. Some goblins welcome the support. Others fear foreign intervention will escalate the conflict.
"We appreciate the DOD's concern," said Elder Gnarltooth. "But we are more than capable of handling the pixie threat ourselves. We have a long and proud history of defending our culinary heritage, mostly by blaming pixies."
The pixies have not responded.
