TITUSVILLE, Fla. — A second Goblin Research Institute document has reached GNN. Where the first set out to teach dogs table manners, this one sets out to give them the hands to hold the fork. The GRI confirmed the document is genuine and asked GNN to stop calling it "the thumb thing."
GRI Dog Bipedalism and Opposable Thumb Project
Project goal: through selective breeding and environmental enrichment, investigate the feasibility of inducing bipedal locomotion and opposable thumb development in dogs over multiple generations.
Experiment 1: Initial assessment. Screen hundreds of dogs of diverse breeds for a preexisting tendency to walk on their hind legs (balancing tricks) and for dexterity in the front paws. Quantify time spent upright, distance covered and stability. Test grasping objects of varying sizes. Identify candidate genes for bipedalism and thumbs.
Experiment 2: Selective breeding, generation 1. Breed the top performers, from diverse genetic backgrounds to avoid inbreeding, using assisted reproduction "if necessary." Repeat the assessments on the offspring.
Experiment 3: Environmental enrichment, generation 1. Raise pups among inclined surfaces, obstacle courses, puzzle toys and manipulative feeders. Compare them with a control group raised normally.
Subsequent generations: repeat experiments 2 and 3 with each generation, refining the breeding strategy and watching for unintended consequences.
Expected outcomes: gradual improvement in upright walking and paw dexterity; possibly a new breed "with enhanced bipedal and manipulative abilities."
Termination criteria: halt the project if animal welfare is compromised, or if progress stagnates after a predetermined period. The predetermined period is left blank.
