Researchers at the Mudwick Isle Institute of Questionable Science (IQS) say they have found a cure for hiccups: a swift, 2,000-newton thwack to the back of the skull.
The technique, Percussive Phrenic Inhibition (PPI), came out of years of rigorous and admittedly unorthodox experimentation involving countless goblin volunteers and an alarming number of concussions.
"We noticed a correlation between head trauma and the cessation of hiccups," said Dr. Gnarfsplat, the lead researcher and a self-proclaimed expert in goblin physiology. "A sudden shock disrupts the hiccup reflex, and the diaphragm resets."
The first clinical trial enrolled 50 goblins with chronic hiccups. All 50 reported their hiccups stopped immediately after a single application of PPI. The trial also recorded 50 cases of temporary unconsciousness, mild amnesia across the board and a few spontaneous nosebleeds.
"Side effects are to be expected with any medical breakthrough," Dr. Gnarfsplat said with a shrug, tossing a handful of smelling salts at a dazed volunteer. "A little head trauma is a small price for a lifetime of hiccup-free bliss."
The Goblin Council of Elders has ordered a second round of trials with stricter safety protocols and a larger sample.
"We applaud the IQS's innovative approach," said Elder Gnarltooth, "but we must put our citizens first. We cannot condone any treatment that may cause permanent brain damage or a sudden aversion to fermented mushrooms."
Several first-round participants have volunteered for the second trial. None of them remember the first.
