TITUSVILLE, Fla. — GNN has obtained an internal planning document from the Goblin Research Institute (GRI) describing a series of experiments to "assess dog adaptability to human cultural practices." It is reproduced below, lightly trimmed. The GRI has not explained why goblins want dogs to be more like humans, when goblins themselves have avoided it for centuries.
GRI Dog Acculturation Series
Series goal: assess dog adaptability to human cultural practices through controlled experiments.
Experiment 1: Musical appreciation. A diverse group of dogs, all with basic obedience training, is gradually introduced to symphony music. The experimental group is then trained to remain quiet and attentive during a symphony. Both groups attend a live performance (separate seating) while trained observers record vocalizations, movements and attention. A significant difference "could indicate a degree of 'civilized' behavior."
Experiment 2: Art exposure. Control group: blank canvases in a gallery setting. Experimental group: paintings and sculptures, with positive reinforcement for attentive behavior. Observers record gaze duration, sniffing, pawing and tail wagging.
Experiment 3: Dining etiquette. Control group: fed as usual, bowl on floor. Experimental group: trained to sit at a table, wait for food, eat from a plate and use "utensils" (modified dog toys). Observers record consumption speed and interaction with the utensils.
Experiment 4: Language comprehension. Dogs with a basic command vocabulary are trained to associate words and phrases with actions and objects, gradually increasing complexity. Observers record comprehension of complex sentences and any spontaneous use of learned words.
Optional experiments: fashion appreciation (reactions to clothing styles), sports participation, and social etiquette (greetings, manners, behavior at social gatherings).
Ethical considerations: prioritize dog well-being, use positive reinforcement, provide breaks and monitor stress levels.
A handwritten note in the margin of the leaked copy reads: "If they learn the forks, try thumbs."
