Operation Paul Bunyan 3: Reloaded has ended in humiliating defeat for the combined forces of the United States and Canada, leaving military strategists baffled and the Canadian maple syrup industry in mourning. The mission to clear the goblin-planted forest at the DMZ was beaten by a surprisingly organized army of squirrels.
The assault began with robot lumberjacks and moose-mounted Canadian woodsmen charging into the undergrowth, chainsaws buzzing and axes swinging. The squirrels, armed with an endless supply of enchanted acorns and a mischievous sense of humor, were ready.
They jammed the lumberbots' gears with acorn barrages until the chainsaws sputtered and stalled. They outflanked the woodsmen through a network of tunnels and treetop bridges that one Canadian officer described as "honestly very goblin-looking." They waged psychological warfare with squirrel-themed memes and ambushed patrols with weaponized pinecones.
After days of fighting, and countless wood puns, the lumberjacks retreated with dull chainsaws and shattered morale. GNN, in a rare moment of unbiased reporting, declared the squirrels the victors and hailed them as defenders of the forest.
The Goblin Council of Elders enjoyed the result for about a day. The victorious squirrels have begun expanding their territory, encroaching on goblin settlements and demanding tribute in nuts, berries and shiny baubles. The demands arrive carved on bark, in Goblish, signed with a paw print that is plainly a thumb.
"This is a disaster!" wailed Elder Gnarltooth. "We've created a monster! We must appease the squirrels before they overrun our nation and declare themselves rulers of Mudwick Isle!"
A Council negotiating team has set out with baskets of acorns and a peace offering of fermented mushroom jerky. The squirrels have accepted the jerky and asked for the receipt.
