TITUSVILLE, FL — Timmy Puddlewick, the local player who became a grandmaster by accident after a botched Neuralink implant, has pushed his rating to 8000. The highest human rating ever recorded is 2882.
"I'm still getting the hang of this whole chess thing," Puddlewick said with a shrug. "It's getting a bit repetitive, though. Maybe after 9000 I'll give it a rest."
Magnus Carlsen, who recently lost to Puddlewick in ten moves, offered one comment: "I'm starting to think the hiccup isn't a side effect. It's a victory cry."
Chess.com servers are struggling under the crowds tuning in to watch. "He plays like a caffeinated squirrel on a sugar rush," one commentator said mid-game. "Somehow it works."
What comes after 9000 is unclear. "It's just a number," Puddlewick said, a glint in his eye. "Maybe I'll teach my cat to play. Or finally figure out how to stop these darn hiccups." He hiccuped.
