TITUSVILLE, FL — Researchers at the Florida Institute of Techno-Augmentation (FITA) say they have found a fourth law of thermodynamics: excessive mental exertion raises the temperature of the brain, mutates thoughts and emits radiation.
"We always knew thinking hard was exhausting," said lead researcher Dr. Cerebra Cortex. "We never imagined it could cook the brain."
Volunteers were given harder and harder tasks: complex equations, cryptic crosswords and, finally, arguing about politics on social media, while thermal cameras recorded their heads. Some brains warmed by up to 5 degrees Celsius, all of them during the social media portion. The researchers believe the heat mutates thoughts into irrational beliefs and conspiracy theories.
"The brain is a microwave oven," Dr. Cortex said. "The more you use it, the hotter it gets, and eventually things get cooked."
The most alarming finding was low-level radiation coming off participants during intense thinking. FITA calls it "thought waves": similar to X-rays, at a much lower frequency. Long-term effects are unknown, but may include headaches, insomnia and replying to strangers at 3 a.m.
FITA is now building the Thought Cooler, a helmet that chills the brain to keep thought waves in. Until it ships, researchers advise regular breaks, meditation and logging off.
