After a legendary two-week bender that began the night the Ouija board said "stoked," the Goblin Council of Elders has stumbled back into the council chamber, bleary-eyed and reeking of stale cheese. With the Flavortown crisis averted, the elders have turned to an equally pressing matter: exploiting more celebrities for the Goblin Nation's fame and notoriety.
"We need another Guy Fieri," slurred Elder Gnarltooth over the clanking of empty bottles. "Someone with mass appeal, a love of questionable cuisine and a penchant for outlandish fashion."
Suggestions erupted from the hungover elders:
- "What about that Barefoot Contessa lady? She seems like she'd be down for some fermented spider eggs."
- "I hear that Salt Bae fella is all about theatrics. Imagine him sprinkling goblin dust on a plate of roasted grubs!"
- "We could kidnap that Cake Boss guy and make him build a giant cake replica of the Goblin King's castle."
The session devolved into a shouting match, with accusations of plagiarism, bribery and attempted food poisoning hurled across the chamber.
The Council is determined to find a new celebrity pawn. GNN advises all celebrities to stay on high alert and decline any invitation to sample "exotic" goblin delicacies, or to go anywhere near a citizenship ceremony.
