The Goblin Council of Elders has answered the US government's offer to buy Elder Gurglesnot with a proposal of its own: a straight trade for the nuclear football.
The football, officially the President's Emergency Satchel, carries the codes needed to launch a nuclear strike. It is one of the most closely guarded objects in the world.
The demand, delivered on a parchment scroll sealed with a drop of fermented mushroom juice, stunned US officials and set off a flurry of activity in the White House Situation Room.
"This is unprecedented," a White House spokesperson stammered. "We are evaluating the situation and consulting our national security advisors. We will respond to the Goblin Council's proposal in due time. Please stop sending scrolls."
The Council is confident in its position. "We believe this is a fair trade," said Elder Gnarltooth. "Gurglesnot is a unique and valuable asset, with powers that could revolutionize warfare and diplomacy. The nuclear football is just a fancy briefcase with a few buttons. We're practically doing them a favor."
The reasoning is not entirely without merit. Gurglesnot's reported abilities include teleportation, shape-shifting, the conjuring of illusions and, as the Spanish Inquisition can confirm, sneezing. The football, however powerful, is only a tool, and its effectiveness depends on the judgment of whoever holds it. The Council has not explained who would hold it. Gurglesnot has already chewed one corner of the scroll.
