The Goblin Council of Elders has given up its search for a qualified fourth member and appointed the oldest living goblin instead, in what can only be described as a desperate attempt to cling to its own fading youth.
Working from a dusty scroll of the last goblin census, taken sometime in the late Middle Ages, the Council identified Elder Gnargrak the Ancient: 983 years old, fond of naps and fermented prune juice, and given to complaining about the youth of today.
"Gnargrak's vast experience and wisdom, or at least his impressive age, will bring a much-needed perspective," said Elder Gnarltooth, barely audible over the creaking of his own joints. "And having him around makes the rest of us look positively youthful."
Reaction is mixed. Some goblins applaud the Council for honoring its elders. Others doubt Gnargrak can stay awake through a meeting, let alone contribute to one.
"I'm not sure he can find the council chambers, let alone understand the issues," muttered one concerned citizen, helping Gnargrak adjust his hearing aid, a repurposed snail shell.
The rest of the Council reportedly feels renewed, its wrinkles and gray hairs seeming to fade in the presence of its ancient colleague.
"I feel like a spring chicken," said Elder Fungella, attempting a cartwheel. It did not go well.
GNN advises all goblins to stock up on prune juice and ear trumpets. Gnargrak was asked for comment and is expected to wake up on Thursday.
