Readers who correctly name all nine digits will win a cash prize that is not cash, has no cash value, and arrives in an unmarked sedan.
In what executives are calling "the most transparent promotion in the history of digital media," GNN today launched its first-ever reader sweepstakes, inviting the public to guess the Social Security number of its Editor-in-Chief in exchange for a grand prize the network describes only as "life-changing, in a procedural sense." "For years, readers have asked how they can get closer to the newsroom," said a GNN spokesperson, reading from an index card that had clearly been laminated by someone else. "We thought: what's closer than nine digits? Nothing. Nothing is closer than that."
How to Enter
There is no entry form. There is no submission box. There is no email address, text line, QR code, or carrier pigeon. Legal reviewed the original entry form for approximately four seconds before removing it, sealing it in a lead-lined folder, and requesting a transfer to the Lifestyle desk.
Instead, participants are asked to simply know the number, in their hearts, and wait.
"If you have the right number, we'll find you," the spokesperson said. "That's the beauty of it. You don't come to the prize. The prize comes to you."
Official Hints
To keep the contest fair, GNN has released the following hints, which have been approved by the Council of Elders:
- The number contains at least one number.
- It is not the number from the famous sample card that came in a department-store wallet in 1938 and was subsequently claimed by roughly 40,000 Americans as their own.
- It is not 123-45-6789. That is the combination to everyone's luggage.
- It is not written on a sticky note under the Editor-in-Chief's keyboard. (Editor's note: it is no longer written on a sticky note under the Editor-in-Chief's keyboard.)
- It has been frozen at all three credit bureaus, which the Editor-in-Chief describes as "the cheapest, most satisfying thing I have ever done".
Please Do Not Post Guesses in the Comments
GNN reminds readers that the comment section is not an entry method. Comments are moderated by an intern who was hired to remove the word "first" and is not emotionally prepared for nine-digit numbers. Any guesses posted there will be deleted, and the poster will be gently placed on a list titled "People Who Didn't Read the Article."
Reaction
The announcement drew mixed responses across the GNN readership.
"I think it's a great way to build community," said one reader, who requested anonymity for reasons that I'm only now starting to understand.
A consumer advocacy group issued a statement calling the sweepstakes "technically not illegal, because it is technically not anything," before adding that anyone genuinely worried about their own number should freeze their credit at Equifax, Experian and TransUnion and request an IRS Identity Protection PIN, which "won't win you anything either, but at least it's real."
The Editor-in-Chief could not be reached for comment, as they were busy changing every password they own for the third time this week.
The Grand Prize
Asked to describe the grand prize in more detail, the GNN spokesperson smiled for an uncomfortably long time.
"It's an experience," they said. "A personalized, door-to-door experience. Very exclusive. Most people only get one in their whole life."
Full rules appear below.
Official Rules
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. NO ENTRY POSSIBLE. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED, WHICH IS EVERYWHERE.
- Sponsor. This sweepstakes is sponsored by GNN, a GoblinLife.org publication. Nothing in this article is real, including the sweepstakes, the prize, the spokesperson, the laminated index card and, frankly, the intern.
- Eligibility. Open to anyone who already knows the Editor-in-Chief's Social Security number without being told it. If that describes you, congratulations: you are eligible for the Grand Prize, described below, whether or not you wanted to be.
- Entry. There is no method of entry. Do not mail, email, post, comment, text, whisper, skywrite or otherwise transmit any Social Security number, real or guessed, to GNN or anyone else. GNN does not collect, store or want your guesses, your address or your nine digits.
- Prize Description. The Grand Prize is advertised as a "cash prize." The Grand Prize includes no cash. The Grand Prize has no cash value. The Grand Prize may not be exchanged for cash, store credit, gift cards, cryptocurrency, Chuck E. Cheese tokens or goodwill.
- Prize Fulfillment. Within twenty-four (24) business hours of determining a winner, a team of Special Agents from the GNN Bureau of Prize Fulfillment will arrive at the winner's residence to detain the winner. "Business hours" are defined at the Sponsor's sole discretion and may include weekends, holidays and 3:47 AM.
- Winner Obligations. Winner agrees to remain on their porch, be cooperative, and answer all questions asked by Special Agents, starting with "So how did you know that number?"
- Odds. Odds of winning depend on how much of the Editor-in-Chief's personal information you were never supposed to have. The fewer digits you know, the better your odds of not winning, which is the best outcome available.
- Taxes. Winner is responsible for all applicable taxes on a prize with no cash value, which GNN's accountants have calculated to be a feeling.
- Publicity. By winning, winner consents to the use of their name, likeness and booking photo in future GNN promotional materials.
- Disclaimer. This is satire. If someone is actually using your Social Security number, visit identitytheft.gov, freeze your credit, and get an IRS Identity Protection PIN. Then come back and read something funnier.
