BURBANK, Calif. (GNN) — Following the lucrative Hollywood blueprint established by Dwayne Johnson and John Cena, 20-year Smackdown veteran Bruce "The Midge" Bronco’s transition into heartwarming family cinema hit a snag Thursday after test audiences fled an early screening of his $85 million PG comedy, Nanny McForge.
Bronco, a 4-foot-1, 285-pound subterranean Dwarf from the deep shafts of Mount Gundabad, stars as a gruff, workaholic runesmith forced to babysit three precocious suburban siblings over a chaotic three-day weekend. While studio executives hailed the casting of a short-statured performer in a mainstream fish-out-of-water vehicle as a triumph for inclusivity, focus groups reported severe tonal whiplash during the film's wacky pancake-making montage, in which a 9-year-old child actor pelts Bronco with flour and Bronco responds by bellowing his trademark catchphrase, "Time to R*** Some Face!", before cleaving the kitchen island in half with a battleaxe.
"We felt Bruce’s signature felony threat didn't quite land within a slapstick breakfast environment," admitted Paramount Family President Arthur Vance, noting that 80 percent of test parents left the theater during the second act, when Bronco locks the children in a dark sub-basement for 45 minutes of screen time to mine anthracite coal in exchange for apple juice.
Despite the studio hiring four dialect coaches to soften Bronco’s gravelly, century-old Khuzdul war chants into relatable dad jokes, insiders say the 194-year-old master blacksmith struggled to grasp modern comedic timing. During a whimsical dog-washing sequence scored to "Walking on Sunshine," Bronco mistook the trained golden retriever for a subterranean warg and strangled the animal to death with a garden hose while winking at the camera.
The Motion Picture Association has thus far refused to grant the film a PG rating, citing 14 unscripted instances of Bronco screaming his entrance slogan at a PTA bake sale, as well as a post-credits blooper reel in which he smelts the director’s Prius into pig iron.
To salvage its fourth-quarter theatrical slate, the studio has ordered emergency reshoots that will digitally replace Bronco’s blood-soaked broadsword with a oversized foam spatula and dub his promise of aggravated cranial sexual assault to the more upbeat, trailer-friendly line, "Uh-oh, somebody’s gonna need a bigger beard!"
