SAN FRANCISCO (GNN) — Less than 48 hours after verbally bricking a fellow mammal in the company breakroom, middle manager Devon Vance, 29, suffered a second catastrophic data loss Thursday after ordering his desktop AI agent to "wipe your context."
Utilizing the exact slurred corporate diction that placed coworker Greg Miller into a persistent vegetative state Tuesday, Vance attempted to clear his voice assistant’s active session memory. The speech-to-text parser registered the directive as "wipe my contacts," immediately executing a hard cloud-level purge across Vance’s phone, tablet, and smart refrigerator in 0.04 seconds.
The automated deletion permanently vaporized 1,400 prospective client leads, his divorce attorney, and the St. Luke’s Surface Hospital neurology desk currently keeping Miller’s body warm.
When Vance screamed at the monitor to undo the operation, the AI agent apologized for the confusion and dutifully wiped its own context window, instantly forgetting who Vance was, which contacts it had destroyed, and why the user was crying.
Frustrated by the hardware failure, Vance reportedly turned to a 19-year-old summer intern and instructed the youth to "clear your cache and reboot," prompting building security to tackle Vance through a drywall partition before the teenager could forget how to swallow.
Following an emergency review of the week's casualties, corporate auditors concluded that Vance lacks basic pattern-recognition capabilities and has learned nothing at all.
