The Goblin News Network wishes all compliant citizens a tolerable and deeply suspicious Fools’ Equinox.
Today marks the exact astronomical and spiritual antipode to April Fools’ Day—the furthest point on the calendar from our most sacred high holy day. As the planetary alignment shifts into maximum October, atmospheric goblin mischief has plummeted to its annual all-time low, while unvetted ghoulish activity has surged to a catastrophic peak.
Because genuine, artisanal goblin tomfoolery is currently dormant, the streets have been ceded to amateurs, specters, and biological hazards engaging in state-sanctioned dress-up. GNN has elevated the Municipal Paranoia Index to SEVERE.
Citizens are instructed to adhere to the following equinox survival protocols effective immediately:
- Trust No One (Especially "Goblins"): Street-level deception is currently in the hands of non-professionals. Anyone you encounter outside today may be wearing a costume. Do not extend burrow-hospitality, share shiny objects, or exchange subterranean pleasantries with any self-presenting goblin on the street. There is an unacceptably high statistical probability that the individual behind the mask is actually a dwarf (ugh) or, worse, a human (disgusting) engaging in cultural appropriation for fun-sized confectionery.
- Maintain the Standing Quarantine: Per Standing Order 404-B, all readers are advised to remain sealed indoors away from natural light and neighborhood foot traffic. If someone knocks on your door demanding tributes of high-fructose corn syrup, do not engage. Turn off your porch lights, barricade the crawlspace, and boil a defensive turnip.
- Resume Mandatory Posting Operations: While physical-world mischief is suspended until the vernal shift, digital operations remain critical. Citizens are ordered to stay at their terminals and continue their regularly scheduled shitposting without interruption. Fill the feeds, bait the replies, and hold the line until the calendar begins its righteous crawl back toward April.
Stay inside, lock the grates, and have a compliant Fools’ Equinox.
Image credit: GoblinLife Vault
