Hold onto your leashes, folks, because I've got some bone-chilling news: dogs are drinking coffee. You heard me. The furry creatures that used to be content chasing squirrels and napping in the sun are now gulping lattes and cappuccinos like it's their job, which, thanks to the GRI, it now is.
Have you ever seen a dog on caffeine? It's not pretty. Hyperactive, jittery, barking at anything that moves. So, a dog, but more. Imagine a world where every dog is that. It's a nightmare scenario, people.
And it doesn't stop there. Caffeine is a diuretic. Now imagine a world where every dog pees like a racehorse. Rivers of it, flowing down our streets, turning our cities into giant stinky toilets. I have walked down Washington Avenue this week. I don't have to imagine.
What about the environment? Coffee production already drives deforestation. Add millions of dogs demanding a daily dose and we're talking about a global ecological disaster, and also a lot of trees getting peed on for nothing.
But the most alarming thing about this craze is what it says about us. We're so obsessed with productivity and hustle culture that we've pushed our caffeine habit onto our pets. We've turned our dogs into workaholics, just like us.
So what do we do? First, stop giving dogs coffee. Second, re-examine our own relationship with caffeine. Are we really so addicted that we can't let our pets live caffeine-free?
If we don't act now, we're doomed. Trust me, I'm a goblin, and I've seen some things. I am writing this on my fourth espresso.
