"Prices So Low, Your Submersible Will Implode!"
Why pay $3.99 for a bag of Doritos at sea level like a common sucker when you can get an entire pallet of Cool Ranch for HALF A PENNY at 36,000 feet below the Pacific Ocean?!
Located conveniently inside a pitch-black hydrothermal vent zone 200 miles southwest of Guam, our newest 24-hour subterranean megastore passes 100% of our zero-sunlight, crushing-abyssal-void savings directly onto YOU!
Image credit: GoblinLife Vault
UNBEATABLE HADAL ZONE DOORBUSTERS!
(While supplies—and your hull integrity—last!)
- 64-oz "Trench Gulp" Slushie: $0.001 (Cup must be forged from 4-inch titanium alloy; regular plastic cups instantly compress into microscopic pellets)
- Day-Old Taquitos: 12 for $0.01 (Kept warm over an active volcanic sulfur fissure!)
- 5-Hour Energy Shots: FREE (Locked inside a rusted Soviet Naval mine tethered 40 feet above the register—bring your own wrench!)
- Scratch-Off Lottery Tickets: $0.02 (Must be scratched using the jagged teeth of a live Goblin Shark)
- Unleaded Gasoline: $0.04/gallon (Pump #3 is currently guarded by a territorial giant squid; please pull forward to Pump #4)
MANDATORY SHOPPER SURVIVAL CHECKLIST
(Store #005 is a strict "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Bathyscaphe, No Service" establishment)
- Reinforced Spherical Pressure Hull: Ensure your vessel is rated for at least 15,750 psi (1,086 bar). Note: Carbon-fiber hulls controlled by off-brand gaming controllers will be towed at the owner's expense.
- External Mechanical Manipulator Claws: Required to open the triple-airlock entrance doors and retrieve dropped change from the silt.
- 14 Hours of Emergency Oxygen: The descent takes four hours, the ascent takes four hours, and the self-checkout machine is currently waiting for an attendant to clear an "Unexpected Item in the Bagging Area" error (est. wait time: 6 hours).
- High-Lumen Xenon Floodlights: The store is completely unlit to save on electric bills, and the bioluminescent anglerfish in Aisle 4 mimic the glow of the "ATM Here" sign to lure bargain hunters into their jaws.
- 7-Ton Lead Ballast Weights: Essential for keeping your shopping cart from floating away into the mesopelagic zone.
- A notarized Last Will & Testament: Must be presented to the cashier to validate your 7-Eternity Rewards Punch Card.
Directions: Drop straight down at 11°21′N 142°12′E until you hear the hull groaning, take a left at the sunken shipping container of 1997 Garfield telephones, and look for the flickering neon sign powered by electric eels!
NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. NO REFUNDS. NO DECOMPRESSION STOPS.
