A new retail chain is taking the global market by storm by simply doing the exact opposite of its competitors. 7-Eternity, the pioneer of the burgeoning "Inconvenience Store" sector, has just announced the opening of its fourth location this quarter: an unheated concrete bunker perched on a knife-edge ridge in the disputed Siachen Glacier region, accessible only by a four-day vertical ice climb through an active artillery zone.
Image credit: GoblinLife Vault
The premise is simple: while traditional convenience stores charge a 300% markup for the privilege of buying lukewarm nacho cheese three blocks from your house, Inconvenience Stores pass 100% of their real estate and security savings directly to the consumer—provided the consumer survives the trip.
"Traditional retail is bloated by exorbitant rents in safe, accessible neighborhoods with paved roads and stable local governments," explained 7-Eternity CEO Viktor Krol during a satellite conference call from an undisclosed warlord-controlled province. "By leasing abandoned Soviet radar stations, active minefields, and jagged volcanic crags, our overhead is practically zero. That allows us to sell a 24-pack of AA batteries for nineteen cents."
The prices are, according to retail analysts, genuinely staggering:
- One gallon of whole milk: $0.14 (must be hauled down a 45-degree scree field before it freezes)
- King-size peanut butter cups: $0.03
- Hot dog on a roller: Free (if you can disarm the claymore wired to the sneeze guard)
- Fountain soda (any size): $0.02 (ice is chipped directly off the exterior wall)
However, industry experts warn that the hidden costs of shopping at an Inconvenience Store can quickly offset the savings on bulk beef jerky. For the flagship store atop Mount Thor's eastern face, shoppers are strongly advised to hire an experienced Sherpa team ($4,500), secure safe-passage bribes for three separate rebel militias ($1,200 in unmarked bills), and bring their own bolt cutters to breach the triple-concertina barbed wire perimeter surrounding the parking lot.
Despite the grueling logistics, bargain hunters are flocking to the summits.
"I lost two toes to frostbite and my brother-in-law stepped on a Bouncing Betty near the Redbox machine, but look at this receipt," said Marcus Vance, 34, clutching a plastic bag inside a basecamp medical tent. "I got twelve cartons of cigarettes, three jugs of windshield wiper fluid, and a lottery ticket for four bucks. You’d be an idiot not to shop here."
Even once customers penetrate the perimeter and survive the altitude sickness, the commitment to inconvenience remains strict inside the store. Aisles are forty inches wide and lined with jagged rebar. The fluorescent lights strobe at a frequency designed to induce migraines. There are no shopping baskets, the self-checkout machines only accept exact change in pre-1964 silver coins, and the bathroom key is chained to a live wolverine.
Wall Street is already taking notice, though analysts remain divided on repeat-customer retention rates, which currently hover around 11% due to mortality and insurgent kidnappings. Nevertheless, 7-Eternity plans to expand next month with a 24-hour location at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, promising $0.05 slim jims for anyone who can withstand eight tons of hydrostatic pressure per square inch.
