Whispers from deep inside the Goblin Council of Elders' chambers suggest that George R.R. Martin, author of A Song of Ice and Fire, may not be who he seems. Some goblins believe "George R.R." is a pseudonym for Richard G.G. Martin, a reclusive goblin author of dark tales of betrayal, bloodshed and questionable hygiene.
The evidence
- The initials. "G.G." could easily stand for "Goblin Goblin," a common naming convention among goblins with an inflated sense of self-importance.
- The delays. The series' notorious delays fit a goblin author perfectly. Goblins are known for procrastination and for getting sidetracked by shiny objects and fermented beverages.
- The violence. The books' gore is eerily reminiscent of the Council's own bloodthirsty tendencies.
- The food. Martin's lavish descriptions of feasts, with roasted meats, exotic spices and questionable delicacies, bear a striking resemblance to the Council's menu. Is he secretly a connoisseur of fermented mushrooms and pickled eyeballs?
Expert opinions
Gnarfúnkel the Wise, goblin literary critic: "The evidence is undeniable. Martin's writing is too chaotic, too unpredictable, too goblin-like to be the work of a mere human."
Grungle Gristle, GNN Chief Analyst: "This theory is absurd. Martin is clearly a human. Have you seen his beard? No self-respecting goblin would sport such a monstrosity. Besides, goblins can't even read, let alone write a bestselling novel."
The Council has refused to comment, which some take as proof that it is protecting one of its own. Others fear a plot to spread goblin propaganda through human popular culture, one 1,000-page doorstop at a time.
If Martin is a goblin, it would at least explain why the next book is late: it is still in the fermentation stage.
