GNN has obtained a preliminary paper from the Institute of Questionable Science on a compound its authors call D3E4M. We reproduce the key sections. The IQS has not confirmed the paper, or what the compound is.
Abstract
This paper presents a groundbreaking yet inconclusive investigation into D3E4M. Despite rigorous experimentation, its function remains elusive. Preliminary findings suggest it will revolutionize something. We are not sure what.
Introduction
D3E4M was synthesized in a fortunate, slightly inebriated lab mishap. It is simultaneously inert and reactive, stable and volatile, mundane and extraordinary.
Methods
- Spectroscopy: a baffling array of peaks and valleys.
- Chromatography: a rainbow, suggesting applications in novelty inks.
- Animal trials: levitation in lab rats and apparent telepathy in goldfish (further research needed).
Discussion
D3E4M may cure the common cold or existential dread, unlock cold fusion or at least power a decent toaster, and enable faster-than-light travel, or at least make long trips more entertaining.
Conclusion
Whether it cures disease or simply makes socks smell fresher, D3E4M is destined for greatness. Side effects observed so far: spontaneous combustion, uncontrollable laughter and a craving for pickled herring. The goldfish have asked for a raise.
