As the Goblin Nation teeters on the brink of a full-blown religious war, the world's superpowers have adopted a united stance: stay far, far away.
In a rare display of agreement, leaders across the globe have declined to get involved in the fight between the Orthodox and Re-Reformed Reimagined Pastafarians. Citing past experience with religiously motivated conflicts (cough, Crusades, cough), they will let the goblins sort out their own theology.
"We wish the goblins all the best in their quest for spiritual enlightenment," said a United Nations spokesperson, with barely concealed sarcasm. "We also value our sanity. History shows that meddling in religious wars rarely ends well."
The United States said it had "no interest in a conflict over pasta sauce and hallucinogenic mushrooms" and its own problems to deal with, "like rising inflation, political gridlock and the ever-present threat of a Kardashian presidency."
Even Russia, known for its opportunistic foreign policy, is sitting this one out. "We have enough experience with religious fanatics," a Kremlin spokesperson said dryly. "We'll leave this one to the experts. Or rather, the lunatics."
Grungle, the former CEO of the GGG and a self-proclaimed expert in international relations, called the superpowers' reluctance "cowardice" and "a lack of appreciation for good, old-fashioned goblin chaos."
"They're jealous we're having all the fun," he said, munching a fermented mushroom pizza. "Let them sit on the sidelines and watch us shape our own destiny, one noodle at a time."
The world is watching from a safe distance, popcorn in hand. Betting pools are open.
