Image credit: en.wikipedia.org
WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RECREATE THESE EXPERIMENTS. The following evaluations were conducted in a controlled laboratory environment (a stripped 2004 Honda Odyssey parked behind a closed mattress store) by trained Goblin News Network journalists so that the general public never has to.
In the interest of consumer advocacy and public fiscal responsibility, the GNN Science Desk procured three of humanity’s most notorious recreational substances to determine whether any of them actually hold up to the hype.
Subject 01: Weed
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weed
Our field researcher ingested forty milligrams of dispensary edibles and smoked half a pre-roll at 2:00 PM with the intention of writing a groundbreaking political treatise. Instead, the researcher spent forty-five minutes trying to remember the password to an old email account, watched a twenty-minute video essay about a sponge, ate half a sleeve of stale saltines without water, and fell asleep sitting upright with a shoe still on one foot. Nothing was accomplished, three hours of daylight vanished into thin air, and the snacks weren't even good.
Verdict: Waste of time.
Subject 02: Coke
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coke
At a market rate roughly equivalent to buying a lightly used graphics card per evening, expectations were high. The actual experience consisted entirely of standing inside a humid, unventilated bathroom stall talking for ninety straight minutes to a guy named Trevor about our joint plans to open a combination axe-throwing bar and crypto-mining laundromat. Every twenty minutes required another sixty-dollar financial injection just to maintain the illusion that Trevor wasn't the most annoying human being on the planet. By 4:00 AM, the bank account was empty, the nose was ruined, and nobody even owned any axes.
Verdict: Waste of money.
Subject 03: Meth
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meth
Verdict: okay so first of all the media completely lied about this because in Breaking Bad Walter White makes it look like blue rock candy and Bryan Cranston is a phenomenal actor even if his character on Malcolm in the Middle was way more relatable which reminds me of my cousin Greg who still owes me forty bucks for a lawnmower carburetor he borrowed back in July and speaking of guys who never pay their debts the ending of The Sopranos at Holstens diner was actually genius because Meadow taking six tries to parallel park built all the tension even though my coworker Steve says the screen going black was a copout just like how the Academy snubbed the 1999 cinematic masterpiece The Mummy starring Brendan Fraser which is objectively the greatest adventure film ever put to celluloid and nobody can convince me that Rachel Weisz having thin eyebrows in that movie wasnt a coordinated psyop by the cosmetic industry to sell more eyeliner pencils in the early two thousands much like my neighbor Brenda who waits until three in the morning every Tuesday to swap her cracked recycling bin with mine when she thinks im asleep except im never asleep anymore because ive been reorganizing my socket wrenches by molecular weight while watching all seven seasons of Star Trek Deep Space Nine on two point five speed and honestly Garak is the best written character in television history way better than anyone on Next Generation although my buddy Kyle tried to argue that Babylon 5 was better right before he welded a spoiler onto his 1997 Honda Civic backwards which completely ruined the downforce aerodynamics on the interstate just like that highway chase scene in The Matrix Reloaded where the Wachowskis literally built a mile of fake freeway on an abandoned naval base in Alameda only for people to complain about the CGI bowling pin sound effects during the Burly Brawl while im sitting here taking apart my microwave door to see if the faraday mesh can block the Wi-Fi signal coming from Dave down at the Sunoco station who swears up and down that his uncle Terry invented the Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme in 1998 and got cheated out of the royalties which is the exact same plot as that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer sells his life stories to J Peterman except if you ever actually map out Kramers hallway and Jerrys kitchen wall the apartment building violates basic Euclidean geometry in a way that makes less sense than the economy on Pawn Stars where Rick Harrison calls an expert buddy just to offer twelve dollars for a seventeenth century astrolabe while Chumlee stares at the ceiling and honestly the Shrek 2 soundtrack holds up better than Citizen Kane especially when the Fairy Godmother sings Holding Out for a Hero which my ex girlfriend Amanda used to blast in her Pontiac Sunfire before she ran off with Todd from the tire shop who now sells counterfeit essential oils on Facebook Marketplace and wait a second why do I have fourteen tabs of Wikipedia open about the 1904 St Louis Olympic marathon and why is my living room carpet completely disassembled in the driveway I completely forgot what I was supposed to be writing this article about my feet are swollen
