In a daring undercover operation, GNN's Grungle Gristle infiltrated the realm of goblin banking to uncover the truth about the mysterious ritual known as "opening a checking account." What he found will make you want to keep your gold under the mattress.
His ordeal began at the imposing entrance of the Irontooth Bank, where a scowling teller with a passion for paperwork questioned him about his income, his spending habits and his favorite fermented mushroom varieties. Then came the most terrifying moment of his life: the COPY MACHINE.
The infernal contraption roared to life. Its screech echoed through the cavernous bank as it devoured his documents. The stench of ozone filled the air. His eyes watered. His nostrils flared. It jammed. A second teller kicked it. It ate his birth certificate.
Next came the ritual of "signing documents." Armed with a quill and questionable ink, Gristle scrawled his name on form after form, each more convoluted than the last, several of which appeared to be the same form.
He emerged a shell of himself, hands trembling, eye twitching, ears ringing.
"Never again," he vowed, clutching his new checking account card with pride and terror. "I'd rather face a horde of trolls."
GNN's investigation continues. The bank has since mailed Gristle a letter asking him to come in and update his details.
