The Australian government has graciously accepted the Goblin Council's apology for the Foster's remark. As a gesture of goodwill, it has shipped a generous supply of warm woolen blankets to Mudwick Isle, so goblins can stay cozy while engaging in their favorite national pastime: shitposting.
The goblins put them on immediately and have not taken them off since.
Three weeks later the island is in the grip of an itch epidemic. Goblins everywhere are scratching and twitching, their once vibrant green skin covered in scabs, rashes and, in places, scabies. One goblin has rabies, which doctors have traced to an unrelated badger.
The cause is not a mystery to anyone who has visited a goblin cave. The blankets have been worn for 21 consecutive days of posting, eating, sleeping and posting, without once being washed, shaken or moved more than an arm's length from a screen. One blanket was found to contain a fully self-sustaining ecosystem and a lost Bluetooth headset.
GNN has blamed the outbreak on "a rare fungal infection" caused by "excessive consumption of fermented mushrooms," and urged goblins to avoid scratching, maintain good hygiene (a hard sell to a species famously averse to bathing) and wear protective clothing at all times. Most goblins have responded by pulling the blanket tighter.
The Goblin Council of Elders has praised Australia for its "generous gift" and urged goblins to "embrace the itch" as a sign of resilience.
Gnargleboggle the Skeptical has a different theory. "This is biological warfare!" he proclaimed in a feverish GoblinNet thread, typed from under a blanket. "The Aussies are trying to turn us into a nation of scratching, drooling zombies!" The thread has 4,000 replies, all posted from under blankets, and the itch has spread to everyone who read it in bed.
