Grimgor "Two-Pints" Grobblesnapper, a veteran of the 80th Groundbourne Infantry, has published a tell-all memoir, Rum, Revelry, and Regret: A Goblin's Guide to Surviving War (and Hangovers) in the Caribbean.
The book recounts his service in the Goblin-Troll War of '93, a conflict known for brutality, bloodshed and a surprisingly festive atmosphere. His unit's secret mission was to infiltrate the port town of Tortuga. It was sidetracked by the island's nightlife and its supply of rum.
"Our orders were clear: lay low, gather intel and await instructions," Grobblesnapper writes. "But Tortuga had other plans. The moment we stepped off the ship we were swept up in pirate parties, drinking contests and questionable liaisons with mermaids."
Instead of covert operations, the 80th became known for drinking bouts, bad dancing and a gift for winning rigged gambling games. They earned the nickname "The Party Platoon," to the dismay of their commanding officers.
"We may not have won any battles," he writes, "but we won the hearts, and livers, of the Tortugans. We even taught those salty dogs a thing or two about fermented mushroom brewing."
The memoir offers an unusual view of the war, and of the bonds that form in the middle of chaos. It is a tale of camaraderie and debauchery, and of the staying power of the goblin soldier in the face of unlimited rum and questionable pirate fashion.
