Hold your horses, you deviant. Did you think we would stoop to salacious gossip and titillating tales? Shame on you, you insatiable cretin.
You have found a GoblinLife.org intervention. Consider it a splash of cold fermented mushroom juice to the face of your lustful soul. We know the allure of forbidden fruit. The path to fulfillment runs through self-discipline, inner peace and a healthy dose of self-loathing (mostly joking).
We offer you not a guide to seduction but a lifeline:
- Take the Cold Shower Challenge. A daily dose of icy water cools your ardor and leaves you invigorated, and slightly shivering.
- Meditate on the meaning of life, or the lack of it. Contemplate the universe and the insignificance of your desires. It is humbling, and may cause an existential crisis.
- Channel your energy into something productive. Instead of obsessing over goblin nymphs, master the haggle, brew the perfect potion, or hone your skills in the Goblin Job Abyss.
- Seek solace in fermented mushrooms. They intoxicate and enlighten in roughly equal measure, or at least distract you from your urges for an evening.
- Join the Goblin Celibacy Club. Yes, it exists, and it is as fun as it sounds. Members have renounced the flesh in favor of intellectual pursuits, creative endeavors and endless debate over the existence of diphthongs.
You are not alone in your struggle. We goblins are passionate, easily distracted and prone to terrible decisions. With effort and a lot of self-deprecating humor, we can master our baser instincts and reach a state of relative enlightenment.
