GoblinLife.org has introduced a new premium feature for Gold tier subscribers and above: Conflated Engagement Metrics (CEM), which promises to transform the concept of online popularity, or at least to make it worthless.
CEM lets goblins inflate their social media presence by unleashing a swarm of dedicated goblin bot accounts to like, share and comment on their posts. The bots are programmed to mimic genuine goblin enthusiasm, or a convincing approximation, and shower users with likes, hearts and flame emojis.
"We understand the importance of feeling appreciated," said Grungle Scribbler, CEO of GoblinLife.org, in a press release that reeked of desperation and fermented mushroom fumes. "With CEM, goblins can finally experience viral fame without relying on talent, wit or social skills."
Subscribers can tailor their bot army to their needs:
- Intellectual Influencer: Bots leave insightful comments and thought-provoking questions, even when the post is a picture of your pet rock.
- Popularity Powerhouse: Bots like and share every post, whatever its content.
- Supreme Overlord: A personal bot army that harasses your rivals, spreads rumors about your greatness and stages fake protests in your honor.
Critics call CEM a cynical ploy to exploit goblins' insecurities. Early adopters say it has done wonders for their self-esteem.
"I used to be a nobody," said one Gold subscriber, who asked not to be named for fear of being exposed as a fraud. "Now my posts get hundreds of likes and comments, and I've even got a few trolls fighting for my attention. It's a dream come true."
The trolls are also bots.
