Goblin researchers have identified the fastest land creature on Earth: a goblin mother rushing home to discipline her unruly offspring.
"We were initially baffled by the readings," said Dr. Gloopnoodle, lead scientist on the project. "The speed was far beyond anything we'd ever recorded. Then it clicked. It was a goblin mom on a mission."
Using tracking technology and a network of hidden cameras, the scientists observed goblin mothers reaching speeds that would make a cheetah blush. One specimen, nicknamed "Mama Gnarl," clocked a blistering 75 miles per hour chasing her delinquent son through the streets of Goblintown, while holding a wooden spoon, a toddler and a casserole she did not spill.
"The adrenaline rush of parental fury is a powerful motivator," Dr. Gloopnoodle said. "The desire to deliver swift and righteous punishment can propel a goblin mother to superhuman speeds. The full name of the child adds about ten miles an hour."
The discovery challenges long-held assumptions about the limits of goblin athleticism.
"We've always known goblin moms are a force to be reckoned with," said Elder Gnarltooth, a proud father of twelve. "This proves they are a force of nature."
The study was cut short when the lead scientist's own mother found out he had been late for dinner three nights running. Her speed has not been recorded. The cameras could not keep up.
