A team of goblin historians was asked to search human textbooks for a precedent that might resolve the Goblin Nation's internal conflicts. The research has stalled: the historians keep getting distracted by the shiny bits of human history, from epic battles to technological marvels to bizarre cultural practices.
"Who knew humans were so interesting?" said Gnorbert, a historian known for his love of conspiracy theories and fermented cabbage. "They once fought a war over tea. They have these things called airplanes that fly through the sky. And they used to wear powdered wigs and dance the minuet."
His colleagues have dropped the original mission for heated debates about the cultural significance of bell-bottoms, the strategic lessons of the Battle of Hastings and the existence of a human deity called Elvis.
"We were supposed to find solutions to our own conflicts," said Gnarfa, the head historian and a staunch advocate of goblin exceptionalism. "Instead we're arguing about whether disco was a legitimate art form and whether the moon landing was faked by lizard people."
The Goblin Council of Elders has lost patience. "Get your heads out of those dusty books and focus," bellowed Elder Gnarltooth. "We need solutions, not a history of human fashion."
The historians say understanding human history is crucial to understanding the goblins' predicament.
"By studying the triumphs and failures of human civilizations, we can learn about conflict resolution, diplomacy and compromise," said Gnarfa, while secretly reading a chapter on the history of rock and roll.
