A new deity has begun to circulate in the Goblin Nation: a green, onion-loving ogre named Shrek. Some goblins, won over by his charm and his theme song, have gone so far as to claim he is not only a god but the embodiment of love and of life itself.
I am a devout follower of the traditional goblin pantheon and a connoisseur of fermented mushrooms, not onions. I find this claim absurd and blasphemous, and I have counted the reasons.
First, Shrek is an ogre. Ogres are known for bad manners, poor hygiene and a taste for solitude. Love and life are associated with warmth and community, and Shrek lives alone in a swamp with a sign telling visitors to leave.
Second, his lifestyle is not exemplary. He keeps a talking donkey and a fire-breathing dragon, and his idea of conflict resolution involves property damage. A god should at least pay for the doors.
Third, and most damning, the onions. Any self-respecting goblin knows that the path to enlightenment runs through fermented mushrooms, not a root vegetable with layers. A deity who explains himself with a vegetable is hiding something.
I urge my fellow goblins to abandon this heresy and return to the faith of our ancestors. Let us honor the traditional gods: Grungle the Great, Fungus the Flatulent and Snotgilda the Sneezy, who embody mischief, mayhem and a firm love of all things fermented.
Shrek may be a beloved figure in the human world. He has no place in our pantheon.
